The Absolute Best Thing to Do When Your Child Has Tantrums

Over the years, one of the most frequently asked questions I have been asked is this: what do I do when my child has a tantrum?  As common as this question is, parents are often surprised by the simplicity of my answer which I will share in this post.   

Jasmine’s mom, Carol, said she had felt like a prisoner in her own home for over a year.  Every now and then a rare day would go by when there were no tantrums, but even on those “good days” Carol felt like she was holding her breath, waiting for that one tiny thing to happen which would send Jasmine into a full tailspin for an hour or more.  Sometimes these outbursts occurred multiple times a day.  Carol said she had “tried everything” to address these screaming, crying, loud tantrums; she had put her daughter in timeout, taken away her privileges, had long talks with her about how inappropriate her behavior was because she’s supposed to be a “big girl” now, implemented behavior charts, and more.  Carol was at her wit’s end and had no idea what to do.  She said their whole family was suffering as a result of Jasmine’s tantrums.   

Although each family and each child is unique, Carol’s situation is not uncommon.  It is extremely stressful to have a child who has emotional or anger outbursts or tantrums.  It’s so stressful, in fact, that frequent outbursts of this nature can have a profoundly negative impact on the parent-child relationship.  It can feel like you and your child are on a never-ending rollercoaster together; your stomach is in knots, and you keep looking ahead to see what death-defying hill, curve or upside-down loop awaits you. 

The best advice for parents of children who have tantrums or outbursts is simple, but that does not mean that it is easy.  Pardon the use of another metaphor, but imagine that your child is on a boat, and the water below the boat represents the child’s emotions.  When your child is emotionally regulated, the sea is calm, but when your child starts feeling huge, overwhelming emotions, the sea is wild and rough.  At these times, what do you think would feel the most reassuring and stabilizing to your child—you being in the boat with him or her, or knowing that you are standing nearby on the solid, grounded dock, offering a rope or life jacket if needed and calmly waiting for the storm to pass?  If you guessed that latter, you are correct.    

What does it look like when you are “in the boat” with your child?  In short, you allow yourself to get just as emotionally dysregulated as your child.  That might mean you scream and yell, or it might be that you have an anxiety attack or get away as quickly as you can.  It might mean that your heart feels like it is going to burst out of your chest, even if you are trying to appear calm on the outside.  Because your autonomic nervous system kicks in, you might feel like you need to fight (arguing with your child or someone else), take flight (run to your own bedroom and lock the door, or leave the house, etc), or freeze (feeling frozen and powerless with a looming sense of doom), or fawn (trying to “fix” the situation by catering to your child, giving in and pacifying).  Unfortunately, none of these survival responses helps the situation or the child.   

Parents often want to know what clever strategy, tool, or leading-edge parenting technique they can use to help their children with their outbursts, but the reality is that the outbursts are typically a symptom of underlying issues that need to be addressed and fixed.  By all means, get your child help in the form of child-centered play therapy (if your child is under age 12) or counseling with a therapist who specializes in teens if your child is 12 or older.  In the meantime, the best thing you can do when your child has a tantrum is to keep yourself emotionally regulated.  Engage in self-care, do your own inner work, reflect upon your triggers and your own experiences as a child… whatever it takes.  Children need to know that even when they are overwhelmed by their emotions, their parents are not caught up in the storm as well; instead, their parents are calmly waiting on the shore, like a sturdy lighthouse, showing their children the way.