When kids behave in ways that we as adults consider to be unacceptable or inappropriate, it is important to analyze the factors and conditions that led to the behaviors in question. Even when misbehaviors are viewed as a “cry for help” parents are often not sure what the child needs so badly. Once I explain the four basic needs that every child has, you will have a great starting point to figure out why your specific child is struggling, sometimes inexplicably and for no identifiable reason.
We all know that plants typically require oxygen, water, and sunlight, and soil to flourish. Children are not much different.
The oxygen for children is a feeling of autonomy and personal empowerment which includes the ability to engage in independent decision-making.
The water is the connectedness and healthy emotional attachments children have with their significant caregivers and others.
The sunlight is a child’s feelings of personal agency. Even children who are highly intelligent and/or talented in one or more areas can begin to seriously doubt their own competency. They doubt their ability to handle change, manage hard emotions like disappointment, and do even simple, basic tasks.
For children, the soil represents the sturdy and consistent leadership of a child’s parents- where routines and rules are known well and life has a comforting and predictable rhythm to it.
Most plant owners immediately begin to consider a plant’s basic needs when the plant begins to look sick or wilted. Is the plant getting the right amount of water and sunlight? Is the soil good? Is there poor water drainage so that the plant is deprived of oxygen?
When a plant begins to wilt, we do not stick it in a closet until it learns to grow better. We do not yell at the plant or withhold water to make it improve. Plant owners would not expect their ailing plant to recover in response to the plant’s container being decorated with paint and stickers while not addressing anything to do with the plant’s soil, oxygen, water, and/or access to sunlight. A child’s misbehavior is like that wilted leaf; it tells us that something is not quite right, and when those factors are addressed, the child’s behavior improves.
OXYGEN
Infants are completely dependent on their caregivers, but as soon as babies become slightly mobile, they begin to explore their own autonomy and personal power. Frequent tummy aches, separation anxiety, and difficulty making even simple decisions are a few indications that there might be a problem in this area. When children frequently ask questions for which they already know the answer (ie. “what’s that?” in reference to an apple on the counter), it is another sign that they are not feeling as empowered and autonomous as they would like.
WATER
Knowing intellectually that you are loved and feeling that love emotionally are two different things. Life is busy in today’s society, and often both kids and parents alike are distracted by their phones and other screens which can negatively impact the parent-child connection over time. If a child repeats the same statement over and over again, it can be a sign that the child is not feeling heard or understood.
Most parents openly admit that they begin to feel a disconnect in the parent-child relationship when their child begins to “act out” on a regular basis. Tensions can rise. Over time, it is easy for parents to begin viewing the dysregulated child as if he or she were purposely being manipulative and/or difficult which can also create some emotional distance in the relationship.
SUNLIGHT
When children feel incompetent, they tend to have a low tolerance for frustration which means that the second something becomes slightly difficult (or even if they just think it might be difficult), they quickly abandon that activity and move onto something else. Another tell-tale sign that a child is struggling in this area is when the child frequently asks for help doing things that they are actually able to do. Feelings of incompetency sometimes lead to tantrums and anger outbursts.
SOIL
Just as the soil provides a solid foundation for plants, caregivers provide a foundation for children by having and maintaining routines, schedules, and rules so that life is mostly predictable for their children. Frequent tantrums, power struggles, defiance, and having to tell a child something multiple times before getting any acknowledgement or response are all signs that the foundation (or soil) might not be as sturdy for the child as it needs to be.
Summary
When a potted plant begins to look unhealthy, the first thing an experienced gardener does is investigate how much sunlight and water the plant is getting, if the pot is dry or water-logged (which impacts how much oxygen the plant is able to get), and how rich and stable the soil is.
When children begin demonstrating a pattern of worrisome behaviors, parents are often unsure why the behaviors began or what they can do about it.
The temptation might be to begin using behavioral principles (rewards and punishments) to reinforce the desired behaviors and punish the unwanted behaviors. While these methods can bring some short-term relief, they neglect to acknowledge or address the underlying conditions that led to the behaviors in the first place.
Children, like plants, have basic needs– to feel competent, to feel connected, to feel empowered, and to feel stable and secure – and when these basic needs are not being fully met, there will be signs and symptoms.
Stay tuned for future posts that will “dig” into this topic further by exploring specific strategies parents can use to make sure their children have all of their basic needs met fully and completely.
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